The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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