What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
