She's JV to your varsity
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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