I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
