Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
