i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
