i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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