end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He passed out mid-signature
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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