Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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