Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
