i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
