Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
