I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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