If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
As shirtless as possible
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
