i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
