so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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