Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
