actually, I'm a sock model
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
