Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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