i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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