I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
