So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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