She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We had sex on a dog bed..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
