Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We talked him into tasing himself.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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