dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I can text with my tongue
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
