I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
