i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
