i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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