i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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