I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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