You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
