How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
