I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
