yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
