seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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