i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
