The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
