college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
