the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
