I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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