do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
