No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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