My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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