You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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