Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
