dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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