I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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