Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
