Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
