Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
